Things people say confuse me.
“I can’t do blank to save my life.” Usually it will be something mundane like “do math” or “make pancakes,” and when people say it I always imagine a scene in which a scruffy, pissed off guy waves a gun at someone’s head while the two of them are standing in front of a stove. The pancake person frantically tries to unstick the burnt, crumpled pancakes from the pan, while the gun guy makes threats. Or he is standing over someone who is poring over a piece of paper, holding a knife to their throat, yelling, “No! 12 squared is not 156!!! C’mon, do you want to die? Because I will kill you right now… okay, 144, good, good, you can live another day.” There is not a calculator in sight either. It’s pretty scary.
“Got Jesus?” Does anyone really have Jesus? I mean, I have milk, I bought it, it’s in my fridge right now, so I feel comfortable saying that yes, I “got milk.” But I don’t think anyone really has Jesus. You might not “know him” either. And here’s another thing, why are people so eager to share the thing that I don’t want? If it’s cash or pepperoni pizza, I am not offered any, but if it’s “the word,” or even “Jesus” they need to share it. It’s not like it belongs to them. That’s like, stealing. But it’s like the Jesus people know that I do not, in fact, have Jesus. Tommy might have given us away when he was singing “What a friend we have in Cheeze-its” to himself at gymnastics class. It’s fine by me, the Cheeze-its song. I mean, Cheeze-its are good. Especially the pepper jack kind. Yum. I don’t want to offend the Cheeze-it, I mean, the Jesus people. And I’m not a hater, the What a Friend We Have in Cheez-its and the J-E-S-U-S Express songs are on his Toddler Tunes DVD, and it’s not like I’m gonna skip those songs. Yaaaaay, Jesus!
I get this note on emails at work sometimes: Please think about the trees before printing this email. So because they asked, I do. I sit for a moment and visualize trees. It’s one tree actually, a big tree, I think I saw it in Big Sur, when I was camping in Pfeiffer a long time ago. This tree is beautiful. Some days I think I can almost smell it. After I have considered that tree for a long time, I print my email. I think it’s really nice of my coworkers to help me visualize something pretty before I do something as boring as print something. It’s nice of them to do that for me. Because, you know, it’s easy for us to forget that, now and then, we should all visualize trees, or waterfalls, or Gotta-Have-It Cold Stone Creamery Creations; you know, soothing and nice things like that.
2 Comments
May 16, 2009 at 5:34 am
1st paragraph = evolution working as intended. If you can’t do x to save your life and you are put in a circumstance were x will save your life…gotta thin the heard somtimes
2nd paragraph. I was always told that one had to find Jesus. Like Waldo, ain’t nobody gonna just point him out. Also, Cheeze-its will be sung my moi at some point leading me to get the Stink Eye from one or more family members
3 paragraph. As a person whose family is involved in the commercial aspects of fiber crops the whole “think of a tree” thing makes about as much sense to me as a “please think of a potato before you order fries”. Guess what tree huggers “PAPER IS MADE FROM COMMERICALLY FARMED TREES MEANT FOR PULP PRODUCTION”.
/rant
May 19, 2009 at 6:43 am
Sometimes, me thinks, you think too much!!!!
I am still laughing…..
thanks