Check Out My New, Much Cooler, Spacebook Profile

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I am re-doing my Spacebook profile (thanks Paul for the name of my new site):

Movies:  Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, anything smart and prestigious and subtitled. 

TV shows:  I really don’t waste time with television, that is for lesser humans.

Books:  I have read all the classics twice.  My favorites are Ulysses, Middlemarch and War and Peace.  If Oprah endorses it, I won’t read it.  If you can buy it at the airport or Target, I also will not read it.  I have written 20 novels, they are just in a drawer. I am waiting for the right offer of course. 

Career:  I have worked as a pizza chef, waitress, barista, spa coordinator, report writer, package handler and construction flagger.  I currently work for a company that saves money by purchasing sporks rather than spoons and forks.  I appreciate that I wasn’t laid off in February.  I am a VIP here, super big shot, and soon I may have my own office and parking space. I’m holding my breath for that.  I’ve never worked as a journalist, although I have a degree in journalism.  Funny. 

Hometown:  I have lived in many exotic places in the last 20 years, including Los Osos, Cayucos, Albuquerque and Reno.  I once lived in a studio (well, we called it a bungalow actually, so quaint) that offered the added bonus of  a homeless person sleeping on your porch and sometimes even offering you money if you are willing to watch him drop his pants.  A homeless person offering you money?  Only in New Mexico, Land of Enchantment.  I lived with a two cat ladies, but had to leave because one of the cats kept spraying on my T-shirts. It was get a dresser or move, so I moved. 

Education:  It took me about 8 years to graduate college due to changes in majors, lots of two-for-one drink nights at cool bars, and too many camping trips that made me think I should just live at the campsite and travel down the mountain for Pop-tarts and library books once per week.  A person could live like that, and who needs a college degree then, huh?  Write in your journal, hike all day, and live on s’mores and hot dogs and Pepsi by the campfire at night.  Read Walden and Blue Highways.  That sounds nice.  Hey, I came out the other side eventually. 

Famous people encounters:  I met Doogie Howser. Ya, we’re tight.  He was like, “How’s the key lime pie?” and I said, “Very good but you should try the Rio Grande mud pie.” And he said “Okay, I’ll have that and a single cappuccino, extra hot.”  And I said “Okay, that’ll be $4.75.”  Even now, when I watch How I Met Your Mother, I think, yep, there’s my friend Doogie. I mean Neil.  Oh fellow classmate, you didn’t know, did you, when you sat next to me in geometry class and I didn’t say a word that I’d be that cool person working at the café in Albuquerque, the person who met Michael Martin Murphy and Doogie Howser and who actually saw, but didn’t wait on, what’s that dude’s name who directed JFK?  Oliver Stone. Yes, I was like, ten feet away from Olive Stone.  I said, “hey, that’s what his name!” to my co-worker.  Yes I did.  I almost waited on him, but then he left.  Ooh, and Bob Sagat.  He was right there, I was right here, it was cool. 

Over these 20 years I have come out of the closet, jumped into more than one swimming pool fully clothed, worn the wrong shoes, been underdressed, been overdressed, gotten so drunk I puked, drank too much coffee, started a blog, disclosed way too much, stayed quiet when I should have spoken up, did therapy, laughed until I peed my pants, had three surgeries, freaked out over stuff that didn’t matter, remained calm in crises, cried in the shower, found a fabulous woman, had a baby, played with Barbies in the bathtub, acted as “big kid gymnastics coach” in the backyard, changed hundreds of diapers, made a thousand dinners, and smiled a million times.  Oh yes, and I invented Post-Its.  And those really eloquent and hilarious notes that you find in your Extra Sugar-free gum. Ya, that was my idea too. 

Send me a Spacebook flower.  Or cappuccino.  I invented cappuccino, by the way. 

See you at the reunion!  I’ll be arriving in either my Limo, my Hummer, or my other car, my Saturn Vue.

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