The quest to go back to school for teacher licensure update: the application packet has been sent; fabulous letters of recommendation, pretty good Praxis scores and mediocre essay included. It turns out that I am not very good at formal essays that request a mere 4 pages on topics as broad as “My Beliefs About Education, Children, and the Role of the Teacher.” When faced with a question that broad, I tend to freeze, then ramble and meander and ultimately lose my train of thought until I finally just create something slightly crappy after a month of obsessing of the horribleness of the task and then declare: That’s it! Done! Lame! And … print! Writing something on a topic that huge in four pages is suffocating. It’s like trying to knit a sweater from inside a detoxifying herbal wrap. But I have so much to say! Only four pages? Let me do 40 and then why don’t you just give me the certification because I am so damn clever! Ya, anyway, I got that stupid essay written. Remind me later to tell about this book I am reading about perfectionism and how debilitating it can be for weirdos like me. I’ll just say it causes a lot of freezing procrastination. A lot of “definitely tomorrow I am going to finish that essay.” I recognize that I will have to get over it if I am going to be a good student. So the last step, immunization records and a tetanus booster, have been obtained and sent. By the way, if you are thinking you really should get that tetanus booster but you’ll do it someday, because heck, what are the odds you’ll get tetanus really? you should go to Wikipedia and look up tetanus. That’ll snap you right into shape. Bring on the shots, you’ll say.
So the assumption I have made is that I will be accepted, in part because enrollment is down and the program needs money, and well, obviously because I am an awesome applicant. So as I prepare to go back to school, which basically means imagining myself there, a new goal is emerging. No, the goal is not to get good grades or achieve fabulous levels of knowledge, at least that is not the primary mission at the moment. As I visualize myself hitting the campus, finding my way around, and eventually being back in the classroom, my goal is to not be that girl. You know the one I’m talking about, don’t you? The returning student. The non-traditional student. The annoying chick that everyone can’t stand. Ya, I’m going to try not to be her.
Back when I was in school (okay, I just realized that in order to achieve the goal of not being that girl, I cannot start sentences like that, so I am getting it out of my system now and will not use that phrase again, starting…. now!), the first day of class was like a game. I’d see if I could pick out the annoying student. The student who would be nice enough but would force me to hate her as the semester plodded along. It could be a man or woman, but usually the student was older, oh, say 38 years old, had a “real job” and a child or children. She had an air of better-than-you-ness and condescension. There she was, with her canvas Earth Day tote and her coffee mug, talking to the teacher before and after class, taking copious highlighted notes, smiling eagerly, all the books needed for the entire semester stacked on her desk every day, just in case. And whatever topic we were discussing, she had a life experience to share. Up her hand would shoot, until pretty soon she didn’t even need to indicate that she had something to say, it was assumed and there she’d be, co-teaching as the actual teacher leaned against the desk, waiting, nodding, smiling and probably thinking, every semester I get one of these students. I’m just too friendly. And just when you thought you might get away with a reprieve on a test, a push it until the next class kind of a deal, there she’d be saying, “But I was up all night studying, I’m ready, let’s just take it and get it over with!” I’m actually kind of surprised there aren’t more non-traditional-student-ocides in this country.
So ya, I am not going to be her. Is it inevitable though? I mean, I fit the profile. My co-worker has told me that I could not be that girl, that I am not like that, but maybe she is just trying to be nice. She has advised me not to bring a lunch bag (K, I wouldn’t do that, so I think I’m good, but the reminder is appreciated) and to just wear my shorts and flip flops, no dressing up. Well, listen, I’m the girl who has made “ready to go camping” the new corporate look, so I should be okay there.
I think I’ve got it under control: no lunch bag, no coffee cup, dress crappy, and don’t suck up to the teacher. Don’t have a story for every lesson. Essentially, I need to fly under the radar. But if any of you have other tips, you just let me know.
4 Comments
July 21, 2009 at 12:26 am
Oh, crap…was I that student? I was a hand raiser, but not to share a life ‘lesson’ but because I was usually leaping ahead of the prof’s train of thought. They liked that. I think. Made them think at least somebody was listening to them. I didn’t do the mound of books either (too heavy!) and a postponement of a quiz was a much to be desired event. But I was the highlighter queen. I’ll admit it. However, I did draw the line at index cards and refused to frantically study right up to the minute of walking into class. Other ‘returnees’ did that and didn’t do as well as I on their tests. My theory: There was a limit to how much the brain can hold, and pushing more into it just meant that sooner or later it would crack open and everything would leak out.
Brought my lunch some days, other days no. It depended on how poor we were. Waiting tables while going to school…and caring for a pre-schooler? Whee!
Sucking up? Don’t think so, but mebbe I did. But after years of ‘real life’ drudgery, learning was so interesting and, dare I say it, fun, that keeping my mouth shut and my hand down was well nigh to impossible. Sue me.
July 21, 2009 at 12:30 am
After re-reading I realize it should read thusly:
July 22, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Guilty to all counts, except dressing up (I loved sweats) and bringing my lunch (I thought the caterer should be available during class!!!)
As I see it from this side of the journey, it was inevitable. Learning was my paycheck, and suddenly I did actually have experiences to connect the learning to (called in the biz-scaffolding).
Enjoy the journey, who cares what the babies think of you. Youth has its limitations.
BTW, wondered where you’ve been….
As for the perfectionism stuff, guilty there too. As much as I try to let things slide a bit, I have my limits. For instance, I was trying to see how long I could go without vacuuming this house or cleaning up the piles from my latest project. I am not sure it could be measured in days, hours is more like it!!!! Guess we all have our limitations, eh???
I know you will do fine, and quit worrying about what anyone else could or does think. Be YOU and the world will have to learn how to deal with it!!!!
July 25, 2009 at 8:04 am
Oh shit! I think I’ve been that person for the last 5 years. I try hard not to be, I dress pretty much dress like a guy thats ready for the beach everyday and I never wear anything but flip flops or Vans. I have an excuse though, my professors stand in front of the class lecturing and asking questions while the majority of all the young eager students sit there with fucking blank stares on their faces like someone made them sign up for and show up for the class they are now sitting. I sort of feel bad for these professors, so I answer the questions they ask and look like shit doing so.